Little People, Big Feelings: A Speech-Language Pathologist’s Guide for Parents

As a speech-language pathologist who has worked with young children and families for many years, one of the most common concerns I hear is this:“Is this normal?”

Tantrums, meltdowns, and emotional outbursts can feel overwhelming, especially when they happen frequently or in public. The good news is that big feelings are a developmentally expected part of early childhood, particularly when language and emotional regulation skills are still emerging.

Understanding what to expect by age and how to support your child can make a meaningful difference for both you and your child.

Why Young Children Have Big Feelings

Young children experience emotions intensely, but they do not yet have the brain development or language skills to manage those emotions independently. Emotional regulation depends on the development of the prefrontal cortex, which continues to mature well into adulthood. In early childhood, this system is still under construction.

From a speech and language perspective, tantrums are often linked to communication breakdowns. When a child cannot express wants, needs, or emotions effectively, behavior becomes their primary form of communication.

Research consistently shows that tantrums peak in the toddler and preschool years and decrease as children develop stronger language, coping, and self-regulation skills.

What to Expect by Age

Ages 1–2

• Limited expressive language

• Strong emotions with little impulse control

• Tantrums often occur when a child is tired, hungry, or frustrated

At this stage, children rely heavily on adults to help them regulate emotions.

Ages 3–4

• Rapid language growth but still limited emotional vocabulary

• Tantrums may become less frequent but more dramatic

• Children begin learning early coping skills through modeling

This is a critical window for teaching emotion words and simple calming strategies.

Ages 5 and Beyond

• Increased ability to describe feelings and negotiate

• Improved impulse control, though big emotions still occur under stress

• Greater independence with regulation when supported consistently

While tantrums should decrease with age, occasional emotional outbursts are still normal.

What Tantrums Are and What They Are Not

Tantrums are not manipulation, defiance, or poor parenting. They are a sign that a child’s emotional system is overloaded and they need support. Research shows that most tantrums in young children are developmentally appropriate and decrease as self-regulation skills improve.

Children with limited expressive language or sensory processing challenges may experience more frequent or intense tantrums because their internal experiences are harder to communicate.

Evidence-Based Ways to Support Big Feelings

1. Validate Before Redirecting

Acknowledging your child’s feelings helps calm their nervous system and builds emotional awareness.“You’re upset because you wanted to keep playing.”

2. Build Emotional Language

Naming emotions gives children tools to express themselves without behavior.Use simple labels like happy, mad, sad, scared, and frustrated.

3. Teach Regulation Skills When Calm

Practice skills such as deep breathing, counting, or asking for help outside of meltdown moments so children can access them later.

4. Model Calm Responses

Children learn emotional regulation by watching adults. Staying calm during a tantrum helps your child return to regulation more quickly.

5. Avoid Over-Reliance on Distraction

While distraction can be helpful at times, relying on screens or quick fixes to stop tantrums may limit opportunities for children to develop internal coping skills.

When to Consider Additional Support

You may want to seek professional guidance if tantrums:

• Occur multiple times daily beyond age four

• Last longer than 20 minutes regularly

• Involve self-injury or aggression

• Interfere significantly with daily routines or learning

  
  

Speech-language pathologists, developmental specialists, and pediatric providers can help determine whether additional support is needed

Big feelings are not a problem to eliminate, they are a skill to be taught. With consistent support, language modeling, and patience, children learn to understand their emotions, communicate their needs, and regulate their responses over time.

Progress is not linear, and that is okay. Each calm moment you model and each feeling you name helps build your child’s emotional foundation. If big feelings are a regular part of your day, know that you are not alone and you are not doing anything wrong. With the right support, children can learn the language and skills they need to regulate emotions and communicate more effectively. If you have questions about your child’s communication or emotional development, contact us at info@bmstherapygroup.com to schedule a consultation.